Participant #1:
Hello, cupcake, it's me. A podcast with your host, Michael Peterson. Hey, everyone, michael here with hello, Cupcake, it's me. This is July 18, 2022, episode 34, and how are you? If you haven't done so already, please hit like and subscribe and head on over to the blog www.hellocupcakeetsme.com or head over to YouTube and like and subscribe over there. And that is Youtube.com. Hellocupcake, it's me. So today is kind of a somber day. Woke up just feeling kind of and have a lot of stuff on my mind this morning. Not really depressed, but not really in that great of a mood, like I said. I'm just kind of that like middle blah or whatever. This weekend was extremely long for me. I really didn't go much of anywhere or do anything. On Sundays, I have a ritual where I call my mom and I talk to her for about an hour and then I call my sister and see what she's doing. And I usually head on over to my sister's house. And my sister knows this. And this weekend she was just like, really impatient and didn't wait around for me to give her a call and ended up going and doing all the things that we would normally do if I went over there. And so when I finally was able to get a hold of her, she's all like, oh, well, I've already been out and about and done all the things. And she's like, but you can still come over if you want. And I'm like, well, I'm not going to drive 30 miles one way just to sit in your house and kind of do nothing. I'm like, sorry, it doesn't sound like a productive time or whatever. I probably still should have gone over there because there was a few things that I needed from Walmart, like cat litter and milk and things like that. But I just decided to stay home, not put the miles on my car or use the gas, what little gas I have. I'm almost on empty right now as it is. And with gas still being up in the $5 range and having almost no money left for the whole rest of the month makes life a little difficult. So all weekend long, I just had this chance to stay in my emotions and really think about stuff going on. And I watched rom coms all weekend long, and I was just like watching these videos and wishing in a certain way our sense that I had that kind of a relationship or that I had a relationship in general. But then at the same time, I am so set in my ways being single or being a bachelor or whatever the hell it is that you want to call it, that I don't know if I want to deal with the bullshit and the drama that comes along with being in a relationship. The last relationship I was in was so freaking tedious. And it got to the point where I absolutely hated the weekends because I knew that we were going to be getting together, and I really felt like I was being abused mentally and emotionally abused and dealing with being bipolar and having depression and other mental health issues. Once you start getting into that subservient, I'm not worth the molecules that make me up kind of a situation. It takes a toll on you. And we were together almost two years, and I got to the point where I didn't like being around this person anymore. And I felt like a show pony. Like, whenever they came around, I had to completely change everything that there was about me. I couldn't really joke around with them because they had a very dry sense of humor, and any time that I would try to make a joke or whatever, it was like, oh, was that supposed to be funny? Well, yeah, I kind of thought it was, but okay. And because they were an only child, there was no understanding of the sibling bond that I have with my sister. And like, no, I'm going to go hang out with my sister today. Well, what about me? Well, what about you? Like, you told me you had other shit going on, and I haven't seen my sister in a week, so kind of want to go see my sister and hang out with her and then same thing with my friends and stuff. I was constantly being alienated from my friends and my support group, and I didn't like that because they wanted me to stop being friends with certain people. And I'm like, no, absolutely not. I am not going to give up my friendships with people that I've had for like 10, 15, 20, 30 years because you're insecure about my friendships with them. Absolutely not. I'm sorry you don't have friends. I'm sorry that whatever. But no, I'm not going to give up the people in my life to make you happy. And I know that when you're in a relationship, you're supposed to make these kinds of sacrifices and that you change things also. But I'm one of those people that I'm not going to give up everyone in my life because you are somebody new in my life, because when you're no longer around, those people are still going to be there. My friends are still going to be there. Dealing with a narcissistic, self centered asshole like that is really kind of difficult. And it's the first time that I ever considered cheating in a relationship. Like, the very first time I've ever considered cheating, and that's not me. When I'm in a relationship, I'm loyal to a fault, and I always try to see the best in everyone, and I let a lot of shit slide. And this relationship was no different. I let a lot of shit slide. My mom was telling me I should leave. My friends were telling me I should leave. And I was just like, you know, I'm going to continue on. I'm going to give this person another chance. Another chance. And I'm the first person to give, like, relationship advice and be able to help my friends go through shit. And a group of my girlfriends got together, and they're like, motherfucker, listen. If this was us going through something like this with our boyfriends, do you think that you wouldn't be all up in our face telling us what we needed to do, even if it wasn't what we wanted to hear? So why the hell don't you think we're going to do this with you and your relationship? As I point taken. It's easier to give medicine than take it. But okay, point.

Participant #1:
Even one of my really good friends, she said, do you think I would allow a girlfriend to talk to me like this? She said, first of all, that bitch would be gone, and I would be single like a motherfucker, like, just as good as I could be. And another one of my friends, he's like, yeah, if my boyfriend talked to me like that, fuck him. Like, no thank you. There's plenty of fish in the sea, and I'm a great fisherman. I'm like, okay, see, not only am I getting it from the straight folk, I'm getting it from the gay folk, so something's wrong. And I knew for a while, though, that I started coming to terms with the fact that I was in an abusive relationship because at the time I was in therapy, and even my therapist said, michael, this might not be the best relationship for you. And prior to that, I hadn't been in a relationship since 2004, 2005. And even that relationship was kind of weird. I was more of an object in that relationship, not in a bad way. Like, she would come home from work after having a bad day, and her way to destress was to spend money on me. And so she'd come home from work, and I'd be like, hey, hun, how are you doing? She'd just be like, I had a shitty day. Get dressed. I need to spend money and you need new clothes. Okay? So quite literally, the sugar mama situation. So we would go grab some dinner, go do some shopping, and then head over to the movies. Or we would just go walk around the mall or whatever, and then come home and end out at night and go to bed and wake up and start all over again.

Participant #1:
I don't know. I guess I don't do well in relationships. I'm a hopeless romantic. But at the same time, like I said, I'm really set in my ways and don't like to really be told what to do, when to do it and how to do it, if that makes any sense. But whatever. So just thinking a lot about life and needing to make a change and trying to figure out what changes need to be made. Like, I know I really need to start walking again and getting back into better shape and better health. I'm at the point where it's difficult for me to stand for more than a minute or two at a time because of my lower back and how weak my legs feel. And I was doing so well, guys, so freaking well. I was walking two, three, 4 miles a day. I made a 13 miles trip one time, just walking. And according to my walking GPS that I have, it said it was 13 miles. The trail said it was 7.5. So either way, I did seven and a half or I did 13 and a half. All I know is, one, it hurt, two, I felt amazing, and three, it was just like this accomplishment, because I started March of 2019 or 2020, I can't remember which one it was now. And by June of that year, I had already made that trip. And I was making all these plans to do this long 130 miles trip and all this other stuff, and I was like, yeah, I'm going to build myself up, build myself up, build myself up, do all of this shit. And so that by this time next summer, I'm able to make that trip and I'm going to be in better health. Then I got that kidney stone and everything went downhill from there. And what I should have done, as soon as the kidney stone had passed and I was feeling better, I should have gotten up off my ass and just gone and done the walking like I used to. And I actually miss it. There's nights where I'm laying in bed and there's nothing on TV. I don't want to be home, and I don't want to just be stuck in front of my computer or watching television or whatever. So I would get up and go walking. I don't do that anymore. I just sit there bored and kind of lethargic what I would do in the morning is I would get up first thing in the morning, go for a walk, come home, and then do whatever I had to do that morning and all day long. And then in the evening, I'd get up and go for another walk, like either before dinner or right after dinner. It was typically after dinner. So in that way, whatever calories I had taken in would burn off a little bit instead of just eating and then going into comatose and waking up in the morning. So I just need to do that. The only difference between then and now is the fact that I had CBD gummies that I was using. Not CBD. Gummies. But I was using CBD. And at the time I was smoking a tremendous amount of marijuana. So if I was in pain, I would just smoke a little marijuana and keep on going. Usually only at night, though, is when I would smoke. Because I'm one of those people that if I know I have shit to do, I'm not going to get stoned right before doing it and then hop in my car and have to drive somewhere that doesn't work with me. Same thing with my drinking and stuff. I'm not one of those people that can just go to the lake and drink beer all day long and have a good time. I have to be sober before I hop in my car and go home. Even like back in the day when my friends were drinking and they only live literally like a block up the street from my house, like where I'm sitting right now, looking out the window, I can see their driveway. Even when I was over at their house and I would drink or smoke with them, it bothered me to drive from their house to my house. And a lot of times they told me, oh, you can stay in the night, or whatever. I didn't want to stay in the night, and I don't like staying the night at people's houses, especially if I don't have my insulin and all that other stuff along with me. Because if my blood sugar drops in the middle, then I need to be able to get up and eat food and take care of it. And I also need to be able to get up and go to the bathroom and do whatever else I got to do. And if I'm at somebody else's house, I'd feel weird, like, just ransacking their pantries or whatever looking for food. So I just like, no thank you. I'm just right up the street. I'll walk home if I have to. And there's been a couple, three, four nights where I've walked to and walked home from. But yeah, I don't think I could walk to their house now. But I know that I need to make a change, and it's just a matter of getting it back in my head and either through divine inspiration or what the hell ever, just getting back to it. And so I think what I need to do is I need to go to the pot shop and maybe get some CBD gummies and try those out for a while and see how that works or maybe get some CBD lotion or something, I don't know. But I got to do something. So I got to set some goals. And I'm one of those people. I've got to start things on Monday. I can't start it on like a Wednesday or Friday or whatever. I've got to start it like Monday. Monday is always a start time for me. And for whatever reason, it just works better in chronological order for me and being able to remember, yes, I started on a Monday. This is what I did. I do that with my medications. I do that with everything. I even try to start bills on a Monday. So in that way. I know. Okay, well, I have two more Mondays until this bill is paid or whatever. So it's one of my OCD idiosyncrancies or whatever. But yeah, just got to make those goals and set them and get going with those. Also, I've really been thinking about trying to start up a group session where I can get a couple of people together and maybe do group therapy type work in a pure counseling environment. And I'm trying to figure out if I need what's called MPI or not, which is a national provider identification.

Participant #1:
Like, every health care professional has an MPI and it goes into a database registry and that MPI kind of follows you around like your Social Security number afterwards, so that when you put in that MPI, it pulls up everything about you, your practice, if you've had any lawsuits against you and so on and so forth. I'm just trying to figure it out. Like, do I actually need this for this type of work? Usually you only need an MPI if you're charging medical insurances or whatever. And I'm not going to be charging medical insurances. It's going to be a pay as you can, as you will type of a situation if money is exchanged. I don't know, I just need to get a hold of someone to get that information. I actually called the main office and they're like, we don't know. I'm like, what do you mean you don't know? This is literally what you guys do. So I think I need to get a hold of the department of health or the healthcare authority or something like that for Washington state and see what they suggest. But anyways, guys, I'm going to go ahead and let you go. Looking forward to trivia tomorrow. And that should be really exciting because we are going up against a bar called Fireplace, which has four winds and one loss and four or five wins and one loss. So keeping our fingers crossed that if we go up against them that we kick their butt and then we'll go into a final or sudden death round. And then after sudden death, we should find out if we move up in rank or not. So, yeah, keeping our fingers crossed and hopefully everyone that needs to be there will show up and actually be part of the team and not a hindrance. So anyways, guys, I'm going to let you go, but like I said in the beginning, head on over to the blog, Hello Cupcakekinsme.com. Head over to the YouTube channel, YouTube. Comhopkeepkitsme. Follow me on all the different social medias and make sure you give some love here and I will talk to you all later. Bye, guys. Thank you so much for tuning in. You have been listening to Hello Cupcake, it's Me, a podcast with your host, Michael Peterson. Please make sure to check back often as new episodes are released. Biweekly. If you have any questions comments or concerns, please feel free to send a message to hello, Cupcake, it's me@gmail.com. And until next time, stay happy, safe and keep doing the best you can with what you have been given.