Participant #1:
Hey everyone. Michael here with Hello, Cupcake. It's me. A podcast, and this is episode four. Guys, I'm not doing good right now. I am in some serious just fucking depression right now. I've spent the last three days in bed and just feeling like crap and I don't know what to do for it. I've been thinking all kinds of horrible negative thoughts lately, been thinking about how stupid I am for having those thoughts, and 100% of it is generated from the fact that I had to put down my emotional support animal Bella. And I am just so out of sorts with myself right now that I just don't know what the hell I'm doing. In one of my previous videos on the YouTube site, I was really hyper and kind of manic and really good or whatever else. And right now I'm very melancholy, very just down angry, pissed off. Like the whole gambit of emotions is what I've experienced over the last couple of days. And right now everything is making me cry. I never expected this to take as long as it has. I know that I just put her down on the 16th and it's only the 21st right now as of making this podcast or whatever, but it sucks. It really does. I know we all experience grief and depression and whatever else differently, but the day after I thought that I was going to be okay, but as time progresses, I'm not. And I'm finding that having her presence lost in the house right now is really freaking difficult. I noticed it a lot like early morning and a lot at night when we had our little wake up and good night rituals. So that factored in with the fact that I've already been feeling kind of depressed has just amplified everything. Like last night I got pissed off and out of nowhere I just screamed. You know, I don't ask for much, just that things go a little bit easier from time to time and that I don't have to kill my best fucking friend. And I stopped for a second and I'm like, Where the hell did that even come from? And then I just started crying, like thinking about it. And I know this isn't the typical podcast or whatever that many people may want to listen to or even get involved with, but this is wrong emotion. This is kind of stuff that I'm going to be talking about on here. There's going to be Tas where I have really high ups and really low downs and everything in between. And right now that's one of those everything in between. And I'm having a really low like today it's been beautiful and sunny outside. Woke up to snow on the ground and the snow is already defrosted. But looking out the window and just thinking about having to leave and get out of my little funk cocoon is more than I can deal with right now. Honestly, I know I need to get out of the house. I know I need to go do the things, but I just cannot seem to make that happen right now. And even if I do, I just get out for a few minutes and yeah, it's like a temporary reprieve from being locked up in the house. But the second I come home, I realize that the house is empty again and then it all comes back and doing stuff in the kitchen that would normally have her what I used to call ankle sharking when cats rub on your feet and go in and out between your legs and stuff. I called that ankle sharking. That was just my word for it. But yeah, she would be in there and just like bothering me. Not really bothering me, but I thought it was a bother at the time. It's not.

Participant #1:
I miss those things. I missed the routines that we had. And I'm going to try to not cry because again, I know that's not what you want to listen to is some dude sitting on the microphone boo hooing about the fact that he had to put down his cat or whatever. But still, it's difficult and I just don't feel like I have really any support. Like there are tons and tons of people. Don't get me wrong, there are tons of people that are like talking to me and checking up on me every day. But I don't know, I just feel empty inside right now. Like I just need a spiritual hug or something. I don't know how to explain it, but yeah, guys, this is some crap. I'm telling you. I just really do not know how much longer I can go with this. I don't want to sit in my grief. I don't want to sit in my anger. I don't want to sit in my depression. I want to get out and I want to walk. I want to go hang out with friends. I want to go see family. I want to go do all the things, but I just cannot motivate myself. It's legit. That scene out of Star Wars where Luke Skywalker is telling his uncle, hey, Uncle Owen, this droid has a bad motivator. My motivator is not bad. It is completely broken, crushed, and irreplaceably damaged. There's all that. But anyway, I think I'm going to cut off kind of short here again. Thank you. If you've listened to all of the podcasts this far, I have no idea what I'm doing. And I'm experimenting with this and trying to find what works, what doesn't work, and everything else in between. So I do appreciate you guys and I hope to touch base with you again and let's build a community around this, shall we? If you haven't done so already, go check out the blog. Hello Cupcake, it's me where I post stuff that I don't post anywhere else. You can also head over to the YouTube channel youtube.com. Hellocupcake it's me to watch some of the videos and I will talk to you all later. Bye guys. Thank you so much for tuning in. You have been listening to hello cupcake it's me a podcast with your host Michael Peterson. Please make sure to check back often as new episodes are released by weekly. If you have any questions, comments or concerns please feel free to send a message to HelloCupcakeitsme@gmail.com and until next time stay happy, safe and keep doing the best you can with what you have been given.